I recently read a post on social media where an adult was ranting about a child she saw in a grocery store. The child was in the throes of a tantrum. The adult who was writing was aghast that the mother would “allow her child to act that way, and apparently this poor mother had no clue as to how to parent or control her child.” The writer then went on to say that this “brat” (yes, she publicly used that term about a child she had never met before) needed a good spanking, and the mother should be taught a thing or two as well. Then the prolific comments agreeing with her followed – Oh, the comments!
I truly doubt the mother has failed to raise her child with love and boundaries, and I do not believe the child is a brat. What I do believe is that the child does not possess the skills to self-regulate his emotions, and the mom was caught off guard in a very public place. I also believe that the poor mom was just as aghast as the judgmental onlooker, extremely embarrassed, and at a loss as to what to do. The reactions and critical comments of those who never met the mother and child were more disturbing and just as much of a tantrum as the poor child who was unable to calm himself down. The difference is the adults can have their tantrums anonymously. What child wants to feel inconsolable, panicked, desperately angry, and out of control?
Self-regulation is a skill that can be lacking in children with ADHD, and it is misunderstood by even more adults. There are triggers and weaknesses that have yet to be identified by parents or other caregivers, and those triggers immediately send the young mind into panic and frustration. Think of PTSD in adults; the physical and emotional reactions occur because of trauma, and until that hidden trigger is identified, the response can be startling — and scary to a child and parents. Add to that a child’s inability or lack of emotional vocabulary to express his or her needs and fears, and, yes, the child quickly descends into fight or flight mode, panic, and a full blown tantrum. If a parent angrily yells or sharply disciplines the child, it’s like shaking a soda bottle while yelling, “STOP FIZZING!”
Of course, throwing tantrums and creating a scene is something that has to be stopped, but there are far more feasible, effective, permanent, and loving ways to help children self-regulate that will enable them to take the reins of their own thoughts and behaviors. Then they feel empowered and responsible for their own success!
Nurturing children to grow into kind, loving, joyful adults is the goal of every parent. Teaching, empowering, and coaching their children to take control of their own lives takes lots of patience and perseverance, but the end result is the mark of a job well done!
Learn from the kids.
Grace Notes 