If you have ever been frustrated with your child, raise your hand. What about angry – have you ever gotten angry at your child for constantly forgetting or not finishing homework assignments? I know you must have, maybe more than once, been concerned that your child seems to be defiantly refusing to do the chores that you have asked him to do or quitting in the middle of a difficult and tedious project to do something different. Or does your child break eye contact when you are talking to her and rudely ignore you?
Here’s the good news: If your child has ADHD or difficulty with Executive Functioning skills, he is not being defiant or deliberately rude, and she is not a quitter. A child with ADHD is just as frustrated and angry with himself as you are with him. Not only that, he may think he is stupid, because not matter how hard he tries, he just can’t seem to live up to the expectations you or his teacher has set up him.
ADHD (now including the separate anagram ADD) is an enigma. The child may feel stupid, “less than”, or incapable. Interestingly, the child is very intelligent and extremely capable of great things. Lacking the ability to focus, initiate tedious tasks, stay connected, make wise choices – all of those and much more are not the result of laziness or defiance. No child deliberately wants to upset their parents or teachers. Every child innately wants to do well, but often the struggle to live up to certain expectations is too much to tolerate for someone with ADHD. It becomes a depressing source of anxiety. Who wouldn’t crumble into tears or an angry tantrum when life has become unbearably confusing? It does seem easier to give up or not even bother to start.
One of the most helpful ways of coping and working with the frustration of ADHD in a child is education – for the parents and the child. Knowing why someone responds the way they do mitigates some of the anger and allows for different strategies to begin to help.
Being a neurological issue, ADHD does not present itself in obvious ways that a physical disability does. No one would expect a child to jump out of a wheelchair if coaxed enough; no amount of threats or punishments would be the slightest bit effective. The silent disconnections in the brain and confusing, disorganized thoughts can create havoc in a child who is trying desperately to learn. She screams to herself “Why can’t I figure this stuff out?!” However, encouragement, patience, understanding, and love often start the ball rolling to a child’s empowerment before coaching even begins. When a child feels seen and understood, they like to take charge of their own emotions and to know they can be in control. Like everyone, there will still be times of frustration, but they learn that every problem really does have a solution. Major emotional meltdowns can be offset, and the child’s propensity to give up can become a thing of the past. Frustration can be turned into motivation and triumph as the child sees his true ability emerge, and the life coaching can help to fill the child with optimism, hope, and success.
Learn from the kids.
Grace Notes 