2/23/2022 –  “It’s Okay, I Trust You!”

Out of their innocence, little children are so profound and often wise. One day

when preschool classes were over, I was waiting with one last little boy for his mother to pick him up. We were standing at the edge of the parking lot where there were still many remaining, tempting little piles of filthy snow and ice leftover from a previous storm. This little boy was bored, so he pulled his knitted hat down over his eyes and proceeded to climb, blind, on a large ice hill, yelling, “Hey, look at me!” As I ran over to him to pull his hat off of his eyes, saying, “That’s not safe, you need to get down,” he called out, “No, no, It’s okay! I trust you!”

Wait…WHAT?? The other parents standing around caught the humor and laughed, and so did I; but there was something so much deeper in what he said. How wonderful to know that someone who loves you is always, unfailingly, in control and won’t let anything bad happen to you, no matter what mistakes you make or what you want to try.

Yes, how wonderful, and yet, dangerous. I was so warmed by the fact that he thought he could trust me, even though he hopped over the border into presumption. I am only human and can only leap so far to catch a child in mid-air. However, I thought, “Do I, have the capacity to have the faith of a child and trust that blindly? One minute this little boy will say he loves me with an angelic smile and spontaneous hug. Five minutes later I have to pull him out of the classroom into the hallway to deliver a stern lecture on why he can’t hit other kids. He starts to cry and yell at me that I’m not being fair, because “that other boy was playing too long with the red car after the timer went off!” Then, later that afternoon he decides to climb Mount Freeze-and-Fall while blindfolded because he knows I love him and will save him.

Wow, he has such confident love. Do we?  Do we know that we are loved back unconditionally, even when we have just showered our anger onto the one we trust? No, no, it’s okay. Does that cute little boy trust me?

Somehow, when we become adults, we presume that when our own plans don’t work out, or when life presents more closed doors that opened ones, it’s because nobody cares, we’re all alone, and the world is nothing but a horrible place that constantly seeks to knock us down. We can’t trust anyone. Maybe, sometimes, our great ideas, like climbing blindly on an ice hill, are not so great. Maybe our protests amid crying and shaking our fist at God show that we don’t know the end of the story.

When I was a child, I protested with many tears when I was told “no.” When my own children were growing up, they also protested quite loudly when their dad and I said “no.” Even now, as we go through our lives we protest vehemently when God says ”no.” I guess we feel we don’t need guidance anymore and should be allowed to make our own decisions. Partly true. We do make our own decisions, but when things don’t work out we blame other people. Proverbs 3:12 says, “For the Lord corrects those He loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.” Hebrews 12:6 says, “For the Lord disciplines those He loves and punishes each one He accepts as a child.” Unfortunately, we have developed an odd philosophy that entitlement shows love and denying our children nothing is more nurturing than teaching them the reality of life

None of us wants to be controlled or denied by the time we reach adulthood. But God’s motives in His discipline are strictly to bring us up to our full potential. There is no question that we can trust His love, even when we do something stupid. Hey, if you feel strongly that God told you to climb on the ice with your hat over your eyes, then He will see you through it. I knew for certain that my kids would fall down often as they learned to walk, but they had to go through it (with child-guard cushions on sharp corners). I still loved them desperately as they learned, even though they had to get some bumps and bruises. The only way to learn balance is to lose it occasionally.

God also knows for certain we will fall as we navigate the path He has set before us. And just like the curly-headed moppet in my class, no matter what icy hill I’m climbing, blindly, I know that if God put it there, I can say, to Him, “It’s okay! I trust You!”

Dance on.

            One of the very first things my husband and I would do when moving into a new apartment or house was hang our paintings and pictures on the walls. The hammer and nails were always at the ready in the front seat of my car on moving day. As soon as those paintings were up on the walls, they immediately created the comfort of familiarity, and our personalities took over every room. It was a way of planting our flag and making the new place ours. Even our friends who helped us move in would say, “Wow, you look like you’ve been living here for months, and you just moved in today!”

             Because of that need for instant familiarity, every move ended up with the same living room pictures in the new living room, the same bedroom pictures in the new bedrooms (slight changes as we had more children), the kitchens looked similar, and even the hallways and bathrooms looked like home in a matter of hours! Ahhh, our comfortable home!

            As the years have gone by, big changes occurred, the house is empty, and the pictures on the walls have remained the same. But somehow, they are not really the same. The familiarity has stopped, and the same comfort has changed. As a matter of fact, there has been a kind of sadness in that the familiarity and comfort can’t be shared the same way, sort of a melancholy mist that has been trying to settle. But read on, things get better.

            This reflective revelation came to me as I was hanging some new paintings in my home. I was running out of wall space, because the familiar had to stay put, otherwise the room was not familiar, right? I was trapped, like being in a tiny prison, and I didn’t know who had the key. But I found it.

            God uses every single experience in our past to build our future. As I looked at all the pictures my family had accumulated over the decades, I saw how each one occupied a huge part of my past. I loved my past. People whom I adored are all in my past. But God does not see me as my past; He sees me, all of us, as our future. He doesn’t wipe away and nullify the past just because I am now moving into the future, and I’m not supposed to forget it. All of those experiences have paved the way towards where I’m supposed to go. My life has not been taken away – it is being multiplied. God says in Job 8:7 – “And though you started with little, you will end in much.”  He’s not talking about finishing my life with more things, or even more pictures on the wall. Good grief, who needs more stuff?! When we allow it, God will increase our faith, increase our significance through our gifts, increase our influence, and ultimately increase our knowledge of Him and how even the seemingly hopeless times in our lives can hold the keys to getting out of that “prison of the familiar”.

            So, I am not taking away my familiar pictures. I am going to rearrange them, because they are still part of my home – part of me. But I have cleared the walls to put new pictures at eye level. My past pictures are now the outline that will support the pictures of my future. Those future pictures will be in my line of sight.

            Excuse me, I have some redecorating to do.

            Dance on.

How Does Your Garden Grow?

“Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

With silver bells and cockle shells, and pretty maids all in a row.”

That is a well-known and very old nursery rhyme. Did you ever wonder why Mary was so contrary? It seems that her garden is lovely, and all her flowers were growing the way she wants them to. She planted the seeds, took care to water them, and the blooms sprung up in a well-planned, organized formation. So, what’s the problem?

                  God created us in His image, so we have emotions – many emotions, just like He does. We have an entire garden of emotional seeds which He carefully and deliberately planted in our hearts and minds. We water the seeds. Those seeds which we water and nourish consistently are the ones that grow into strong, healthy plants with deep roots at the bottom and beautiful blossoms on the top. All the ones we water grow tall and strong with the deep roots.

                  However, we have a choice. If we decide to water and nourish the seeds of hate, anger, bitterness, and resentment, they are going to grow. But if we water the seeds of gratefulness, kindness, patience, and hope, those are the ones that grow higher than the depth of their roots. They bear blossoms and fruit that contain the seeds which scatter and reproduce more of the same. Even better, the healthiest plant that yields the most fruit and gives refreshment and strength is forgiveness. Plants of hate, anger, bitterness, and resentment yield only fruit that is disagreeable, offensive, poisonous, and destructive to the other plants in the garden and beyond. They compete for power and spread seeds of fear and doubt. 

                  It’s interesting how tulip bulbs and iris bulbs move forward on their own and multiply every year when they have the right water and nourishment from healthy soil. You don’t have to do anything special or different for them, and they almost take over your garden with beauty and hope for more blossoms next year. You are now able to carry a bouquet of God’s most beautiful flowers in your hands as you move forward on your journey.

                  So, how does your garden grow?

            I was speaking with a little girl today. We had never met before, and we were sitting at her kitchen table, talking about life and different things she would like to do. The table was quite large, and she seemed to be quite comfortable with the vast distance between our chairs. We were basically just getting to know each other, and she was very pleasant and respectful. As we began to speak and share our thoughts, she let me do most of the talking, and she responded with appropriate answers. As we touched on her opinions, she became a bit more animated. A tiny glow started to develop; her interest was awakening. I laughed at a joke she made, and she started to talk a bit more. She was starting to trust, and the glow was becoming a little brighter. As we chatted, she became so animated that she began to interrupt me with some very important thoughts she had. I didn’t try to finish what I had started to say, and she was so intent on telling me her story that she didn’t even notice. She began to look directly into my eyes as she spoke, and she knew she was safe saying whatever she wanted because she felt her thoughts were significant. Then she jumped up to get a special treasure she had found and wanted to show it to me. She thought I would like to see it because it was important to her. Then the moment of truth; she picked up her chair and brought it closer to mine, so close that the seats touched. Connection. She felt the safety of connection. Connection is the most important thing to a child – to anyone. She likes different music than I like. She likes ice cream flavors that I have never heard of or will ever taste (for sure!). For Halloween she dressed up as a singer I have never heard of but pretended I did. Connection. This little girl, in all her innocence and transparency, represents what all people crave. We all crave connection, not judgement. Connection without correction. Connection without shame. Not only did she feel a connection, but she felt safe in being silly and goofy. She felt connected, even though we were different.  We need to learn from a child how to bring our chairs close. 

            Go find a child and talk to them in a way that brings their chair close. Then talk to an adult the same way. Find someone with whom you thought you had nothing in common and learn from each other until you both bring your chairs close. Then there will be more room for everyone at the table.

Learn from the kids.

            If you have ever been frustrated with your child, raise your hand. What about angry – have you ever gotten angry at your child for constantly forgetting or not finishing homework assignments? I know you must have, maybe more than once, been concerned that your child seems to be defiantly refusing to do the chores that you have asked him to do or quitting in the middle of a difficult and tedious project to do something different. Or does your child break eye contact when you are talking to her and rudely ignore you?

            Here’s the good news: If your child has ADHD or difficulty with Executive Functioning skills, he is not being defiant or deliberately rude, and she is not a quitter. A child with ADHD is just as frustrated and angry with himself as you are with him. Not only that, he may think he is stupid, because not matter how hard he tries, he just can’t seem to live up to the expectations you or his teacher has set up him.

            ADHD (now including the separate anagram ADD) is an enigma. The child may feel stupid, “less than”, or incapable. Interestingly, the child is very intelligent and extremely capable of great things. Lacking the ability to focus, initiate tedious tasks, stay connected, make wise choices – all of those and much more are not the result of laziness or defiance. No child deliberately wants to upset their parents or teachers. Every child innately wants to do well, but often the struggle to live up to certain expectations is too much to tolerate for someone with ADHD. It becomes a depressing source of anxiety. Who wouldn’t crumble into tears or an angry tantrum when life has become unbearably confusing? It does seem easier to give up or not even bother to start.

            One of the most helpful ways of coping and working with the frustration of ADHD in a child is education – for the parents and the child. Knowing why someone responds the way they do mitigates some of the anger and allows for different strategies to begin to help. 

            Being a neurological issue, ADHD does not present itself in obvious ways that a physical disability does. No one would expect a child to jump out of a wheelchair if coaxed enough; no amount of threats or punishments would be the slightest bit effective. The silent disconnections in the brain and confusing, disorganized thoughts can create havoc in a child who is trying desperately to learn. She screams to herself  “Why can’t I figure this stuff out?!”  However, encouragement, patience, understanding, and love often start the ball rolling to a child’s empowerment before coaching even begins. When a child feels seen and understood, they like to take charge of their own emotions and to know they can be in control. Like everyone, there will still be times of frustration, but they learn that every problem really does have a solution. Major emotional meltdowns can be offset, and the child’s propensity to give up can become a thing of the past. Frustration can be turned into motivation and triumph as the child sees his true ability emerge, and the life coaching can help to fill the child with optimism, hope, and success.

Learn from the kids.

            I hate being late. I always have, still do. I would rather be three hours early to an event than three minutes late. If I arrive the moment the event is supposed to start, that means I’m late. As a child, I was taught that “when I am late, I am mentally unprepared to begin, so I should begin prepared!” To be fair, sometimes there are unforeseeable situations – flat tires, traffic tie-ups, getting lost (that’s me), last minute urgent phone calls. But what really burns me up, or used to, is when I’m late because someone else just couldn’t get moving…again. I would be livid when someone who was habitually late would greet me with a sheepish grin and an off-handed “So sorry, you know me! I’m always late!”

            I’m really not livid about that anymore. Well, most of the time I’m not livid. Time-management is actually an Executive Functioning skill that is lagging in many people. It is not because they think their schedule is more important than anyone else’s. The ability to think ahead with a realistic idea of the concept of time and how much of it is needed to complete a task, or get out the door with everything you need, or even to drive to a familiar destination and know how long it will take is not on the radar for those who struggle with time-management. It’s certainly not a question of how much they care for or respect anyone else. It is a constant source of stress and anxiety because they know it causes friction between them and the people who are kept waiting. It is not deliberate rudeness, nor selfishness, and it is very common among those with ADHD. However, it is an Executive Functioning skill that can be improved with the right approach. It has to be acknowledged and then can be mitigated with different strategies.

            Obviously, always being late and simply chalking it up to an amusing and perhaps a not-so-endearing trait is something that can cause a lot of problems personally, in school, and later on in a professional life. There are various tools that someone with time-management issues can learn with the help of a good life coach. Chronically being late can cause a child to miss out on wonderful opportunities as well as contribute to low self-esteem. Take that a few steps further, and an adult who is chronically late and unprepared can lose a job. However, stocking up on the right tools will help relieve a child of the anxiety of always having to catch up or feeling a step behind. Instead, they will feel encouraged, motivated, and catapulted forward!Learn from the Kids 

            I have always been told I am too sensitive; I have been accused that I feel things too deeply, and I take things too personally. Those lofty assessments have always been issued in a critical tone. Therefore, because I apparently am too sensitive, (I prefer the term highly sensitive), I did take them as criticism. But now I say thank you. 

            Children with ADHD tend to feel their emotions very deeply. People who can let hurts, insults, or emotional issues roll off their backs don’t understand a highly sensitive child, and for most of them it’s too much trouble to try. However, children who are labeled as hypersensitive are keenly aware of another person’s pain, are empathetic, compassionate, and they cannot rest when they detect an injustice. Telling a crying child that he or she is being silly and then impatiently walking away is isolating, demeaning, and frightening that there will be no rescue from the hurtful or scary feelings going on in his head. When you were a child, were you every told by an angry parent, “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about!”? Well, invalidating a child’s emotional hurt will certainly give him something to cry about. For a child with ADHD, the pain is exacerbated by difficulty in being able to self-regulate emotions, so a tsunami of inner turmoil occurs. Very often, the entire drama could have been mitigated with some assurance, affirmation, and compassion. Children, and adults, need to know that their pain has been seen and acknowledged.

            The good news is, hypersensitive kids grow up into extremely compassionate and empathetic adults. They see and feel things that others miss, they know pain and hurt, and they have a strong desire to comfort others, alleviate someone else’s pain, and to be forgiving. Learning to balance their innate compassion with wisdom and discernment is something that can be developed and coached with a kid’s life coach. What is initially perceived in a child as a negative trait can end up being their greatest strength. 

            Learn from the Kids

            No matter what our passions are, no matter what our talents are, no matter what we feel our purpose is in life, we have to do the chores. We have to pay the bills. We’ve got to get the laundry done. If we love to cook, we still have to do the dishes. We still have to make our beds (don’t argue, yes we do). As much as we adore our babies, we still have to change their diapers. We will always have projects or tasks that we hate to do, so we will always use the back burners whenever possible. We procrastinate. It’s what we do.

            Many children with ADHD have greater difficulty beginning tasks they don’t want to do. They truly believe and intend they will get to it later; they don’t mean to get distracted with the fun stuff first. They are not deliberately disobedient, nor are they are lying just because they promised they would get a particular task done but ended up spending the time with something “more important.” They do not want to disappoint their parents. But they do struggle, and it hurts. It hurts because they feel they constantly make their parents or teachers angry, and they are aware they are not living up to expectations. Worst of all, they are disappointed in themselves, and they label themselves as “incapable.” Ouch.

             As a team, it is important and more successful when the child, the parents, and a kids life coach work together to come up with strategies to get the disagreeable stuff done with fewer tears and more time for the family to enjoy each other. The task gets completed, the child is happy with a sense of accomplishment, and the parents are relieved. There are always hiccups along the way. But these are easier to manage when the child has a strategy that helps to put him or her in control and give a sense of success. Every child longs to achieve a goal and hear a hearty “well done!” If extra strategies and tips are needed to help the child get tasks done, then that’s worth a slight adjustment in daily routines to see a beautiful smile on a child’s face who can say “I did it!” When children are near-sighted, they get glasses. When they go out to play in the sun, they need to wear sunblock. When they have trouble learning to read, parents get a tutor. Crooked teeth? They get braces. Difficulty with Executive Functioning skills? Get a Kids Life Coach!

            Learn from the Kids

I recently read a post on social media where an adult was ranting about a child she saw in a grocery store. The child was in the throes of a tantrum. The adult who was writing was aghast that the mother would “allow her child to act that way, and apparently this poor mother had no clue as to how to parent or control her child.” The writer then went on to say that this “brat” (yes, she publicly used that term about a child she had never met before) needed a good spanking, and the mother should be taught a thing or two as well. Then the prolific comments agreeing with her followed – Oh, the comments!

I truly doubt the mother has failed to raise her child with love and boundaries, and I do not believe the child is a brat. What I do believe is that the child does not possess the skills to self-regulate his emotions, and the mom was caught off guard in a very public place. I also believe that the poor mom was just as aghast as the judgmental onlooker, extremely embarrassed, and at a loss as to what to do. The reactions and critical comments of those who never met the mother and child were more disturbing and just as much of a tantrum as the poor child who was unable to calm himself down. The difference is the adults can have their tantrums anonymously. What child wants to feel inconsolable, panicked, desperately angry, and out of control?

Self-regulation is a skill that can be lacking in children with ADHD, and it is misunderstood by even more adults. There are triggers and weaknesses that have yet to be identified by parents or other caregivers, and those triggers immediately send the young mind into panic and frustration. Think of PTSD in adults; the physical and emotional reactions occur because of trauma, and until that hidden trigger is identified, the response can be startling — and scary to a child and parents. Add to that a child’s inability or lack of emotional vocabulary to express his or her needs and fears, and, yes, the child quickly descends into fight or flight mode, panic, and a full blown tantrum. If a parent angrily yells or sharply disciplines the child, it’s like shaking a soda bottle while yelling, “STOP FIZZING!”

Of course, throwing tantrums and creating a scene is something that has to be stopped, but there are far more feasible, effective, permanent, and loving ways to help children self-regulate that will enable them to take the reins of their own thoughts and behaviors. Then they feel empowered and responsible for their own success!

Nurturing children to grow into kind, loving, joyful adults is the goal of every parent. Teaching, empowering, and coaching their children to take control of their own lives takes lots of patience and perseverance, but the end result is the mark of a job well done!

Learn from the kids.

6/30/2023 – Goal-Directed Persistence

            Have you ever had a great idea for a project that got you inspired and motivated; it occupied your thoughts? You talked to people about it, perhaps bought supplies, dreamed about the exciting process, the successful results, and the satisfaction of achieving your goal. You got started, and somehow, reality seeped in like morning fog across the bay. You encountered a few speed bumps along your path, the grunt work seemed more tedious than you expected, you had to sacrifice a few fun social invitations, and your goal started to look a bit farther away. Then it became even more difficult as your confidence began to wane. As a matter of fact, what was that goal again? And why did you want to do it in the first place? It sure seemed like a good idea at the time, didn’t it?

It still is a good idea. Most likely it’s a wonderful and noble goal. But every exciting and gratifying purpose in life began with difficult grunt work, was built on grunt work, grew from grunt work, succeeded because of grunt work, and is maintained with grunt work.

So how do we train a child who struggles with the Executive Functioning Skill of goal-directed persistence that grunt work will have to be done and it’s never a reason to give up? The answer is partly in the last sentence. No one wants to discourage children before the work even begins, so they are told to follow all the rules, do everything the way they are told, and they will be successful in reaching their goal. They’re not fully aware of how hard the climb is going to be.

We can’t downplay or diminish the hard work, but empathy and the right support can keep that goal front and center. Many children have difficulty with perseverance because they are told simply “Get back to work! Don’t be a quitter!” That’s neither motivating nor inspiring for anyone, but for a child who struggles with ADHD and this particular skill, those words are useless and demoralizing. Coaching children to train themselves to not lose heart is a win-win. They not only reach a goal or complete a tedious task, but they learn life lessons they will always carry with them.

Instead of saying “Do what I told you,” it can be turned into “How can we keep this interesting?” A child should not be left to figure it out on his own. That’s disheartening, and the struggle is lonely. When a child does lose heart and stops, it’s not an act of defiance. She may have lost her self-confidence and faith in her ability. He may be bitterly disappointed in what was an achievable dream that just needed the grunt work to complete. When it has happened often, frustration and disappointment have become the norm. Overcoming those must be the first priority.

Mitigating the struggles in any of the Executive Functioning Skills requires empathy, patience, and uncompromising belief in the success of the child. Parents may lose patience and are frustrated, teachers may lose patience and are frustrated, but no one is as frustrated as the child. Once the child has lost faith in himself, he desperately needs support and understanding to be able to retrieve it, or the goals will keep slipping away. Coaching, unconditional love, and constant support will help everyone reach their goals.

Learn from the Kids